i feel helpless

My Lord, help me regain my strength. I am strong but I feel helpless now. Everytime, I try to find my way, I still can feel the fresh pain in my heart’s wound. It is choking me, and it stings everytime. It is swelling in my heart, becoming more painful and I cannot release it. I want to cry a hearty cry but where? It is not enough to shed the tears. It is so much bearable to go with a skin injury than having a wounded heart. It affects my other system. I am broken, alone in the dark and only with a small light to find the pieces of me. Please give me hope. I cannot understand Lord why such person would do me this cruel and terrible thing. I was good. Was it all a disguise? Am I not someone who can be loved and fought for truly? Was everything just a lie? I thought he was the kindest, gentlest and sensitive person when I knew him. How can I believe in people again? 

cruel intentions

My post is not about you. It is about me. You are not the victim, I am. 

It is not about you running away from the issue and let it solve on its own, it is about me getting the reason why you did it to me.

You don’t need it to be solved on your part because you planned this malicious scheme.

I need the truth behind this scheme to put back my life in order after you have shaken it up. 

You don’t need forgiveness but I need to forget you. 

I made the call simply and hoping to find out if there are still something to be salvaged.  

Instead I was more disappointed. You tried to save your skin reasoning that you did not plan this, everything happened so suddenly and you did not have any choice.

I cannot believe why you continue to be so proud, or why you try to turn everything against me when you are the initiator of this mess. 

I want my life back. I want to forget that I have known you. I want to forget what you said to me this Monday morning and the cruelty of your words. What an awful thing to say after all that we have been through.

I know you are being brave to do all these hateful things to me because you are not alone.

There is nothing you would need in me but to disregard everything. 

Thanks Iris

Hurting others

Romans 12:18-20

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”

God wants us to care about how other people feel. He wants us to weep when others weep, rejoice when they rejoice (Rom. 12:15). He sends us, as he sent Jesus, to bind up the brokenhearted (Isa. 61:1). 

I don’t know why you have to hurt me like that? After all the years, you had to hurt me like that. I did not do you anything wrong. I only need now your sincere explanation as the person I know of you but you chose to be a hypocrite. God will avenge me.

break the ice

People are like Ice sometimes, they are hard to break. They are as cold as ice. They think they are the king of the world, living life like God is on their side and they are doing the right thing. They are blinded by their own beliefs. Today, one can know a person by simply googling their full name. If you find an empty link, don’t worry for sure you can click on the cached. Google saves everything. 

I am a silent person and my outlet is my writing. People know the real me and I have nothing to lose but to let go of the emotions. People see me walking everyday as if everything is fine. I pretend to be fine but there are many things wondering in my head. I want to clean it up, clear the cobwebs that is beginning to take residence. I want to be freed from this emotional stress and avoid getting a mild stroke. It is beginning to give me signs. The mind can lie but emotions come from a truth.

All I know now is that he did not have the decency and strength to be a Man. No courtesy to even inform me of what had happened after all those years. He had been planning it for months and just pretended to be frustrated. All the sweet messages were all a lie. He has destroyed everything and every little good things about him. He did not deserve my love or attention. I am totally breaking the ice. It is too late now. He chose to be happy at the expense of others. He had acquired the skills of lying, and hiding things from people that he will use it again to get his way. No sense of trusting a person with no principles and even telling you he still loves you when he is already married. Such a sweet talker and a user that I am forever disillusioned. His angelic smile is not a genuine smile after all. 

They say God’s plans for you are simple, beautiful, pleasant and does not hurt you. I should have listened when it hurt me the first time. Lord, please take this burden and anger away from me. I have no use for them.

P.S.

Conquering time and space is making time faster and making space smaller, not breaking out of it.