being true to myself and my frustration

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Writing helps me understand my thoughts. I don’t mind what other people think of me. What is important for now is that I am being true to myself. Later, I can go back and look at the past with confidence that I have lived life to the fullest. 

I wake up this morning with a lump in my throat. I can’t describe the feeling but it seems I’d rather pass time with bitter sweet memories. I am deeply affected and crying my heart out becomes ordinary. There were so many things I looked forward to before this turn of events. I relied on promises and prayers hopeful for the future that one day he will surprise me. Indeed, he SURPRISED me now! I saw many good things, My love being accomplished in his career, and I am being ready to join Europe. It would have taken 2011 and everything would be good. I see many beautiful images, imagined myself happy full of love with him laughing, walking, and making dreams come true. I was sure I would see my love again. But now, it’s like a letter washed away by the sea. I feel I have been robbed off something precious and forever lost. I cannot imagine myself yet doing something else. I can’t find the energy to make a genuine smile or even work. I feel sad, and just letting myself down like I don’t care.  

After what happened, I am forced to “reposition” myself and look at another future which is hard. I have not experienced something like this in the past. My previous affairs despite being in love were more focused on accomplishing my professional goals. This time around I dedicated my life and looked forward to a future with someone.

It is difficult to be led astray, and as I walk now, I wish the crossroads would be less. I know this is not unique to me, but I thought I was doing fine. I am mistaken. I should have listened more carefully and understand the signs. I should have loved myself more like he did himself. He could have made me ready to choose. He could have hold on and be stronger beyond the frustration. I wished we talked things through before he left for Kenya than left alone to rush in another decision. If I were wise and not love after knowing, I would have caused greater damage. 

It is just so weird now, many things are left unsaid, I am blue, nauseatic and I feel like I want to throw up. I think I am gonna be sick. Why do they always have to break my heart? I gave my best to them. I don’t want to count the days My Lord feeling this way. I am just angry that he changed his mind without telling me. I am sorry. I was not productive in my 4 years. I know I have failed you again one more time.